When it comes to excess, I am reigning queen supreme of too much, I get too emotional, too greedy over unhealthy food, buy more than I need, drink more than I can take, work more than I need to, apologise more than I should have to. Hell, when I was looking for a photo for this post I went from typing “cake” into Google to typing an amended search of “lots of cake” as one whopping fudge cake just didn’t look right!
Now I’m a little strange because I either do things half arsed or completely Bree Van De Kamp/Hodge.
I’ve been a little distracted from writing on here for about a week now and I feel terrible but I actually started my final year of uni. DUN DUN DUUUUUUH! And I’ve become emotionally unstable since. It’s finally dawned on me that I need to make some life decisions, I need to think a little more outside of the box rather than leaning on the “I’ll figure it out when I get there” scenario. So I’ve been worrying and stressing like a neurosurgeon whose dropped half of his lunch onto someones brain. I’ve ordered several prospectus’ for MA courses starting in 2016, I’m signing up for every extra class that may get me merits onto these courses and I’m critically organising my last year to achieve the best attainable grade. I can hardily breath and I’ve only been back a day.
So I resolved my stress by buying a mega ton of cheesecake.
And for the past 24 hours I haven’t entirely been sure how to feel. For the first time I can sense genuine dread in my stomach, the sensation that some time soon I may have to make life altering decisions that will better my future and no matter how old I get I don’t think those things will ever get easier.
I’m beginning to question if all of this is too much? Why at 21 years old does it feel like I have to have all the answers to a life I am yet to live? It’s all a bit excessive and just possibly if I over do it, maybe I’ll forget to enjoy this last year. Maybe my life will pass before my eyes while I’m planning for a future I’m too busy to live.
As they say, moderation is key. So I’m leaving this short and rather open ended for now, I’m sure you’ll hear enough of my rants over the next year.
x x x
352 days to go
Today I embark on my journey to become a committed writer and blogger for the first time since I started this blog, which seemed to be 7 centuries ago now I come to think of it. Today my task is to write about anything, anything at all but I can only type away for ten minutes, no more, no less. ALRIGHT.
Well what do I talk about, do I ramble about pointlessnesses or do I delve into the frivolous ideas of time that keep masquerading around my head as I write this very post. We could chat about my fear of running out of time (quite ironically what the main theme of this blog is), my wasted time in bed this morning (I did not wake until 2pm) or my lack of time to do anything I deem productive.
Time gives us a purpose and a sense of being yet it is something that doesn’t exist at all when we think about it. It is man made. Sure things work on a scale and take so long in which to be completed and I suppose that scale can be regarded as time but I read a while ago about the fact that as humans, we are the only species that keeps track of this conspicuous element. We give it such weight on our existence and let it rule over us. “Oh I’m going to be late, I’m too old, I can’t do that I don’t have time.”
What if none of us have time at all? What if we are just floating through a realm of nothingness and we actually get to decide what we do and when we do it? There is no curfew, no bed time, no deadline. If you want to do something, you just do rather than being constrained to this dictation that we are running out of the none existent nothingness. Maybe we should put down our clocks, our diaries and our alarms and just live. Forgetting if time runs away with us or if a day is dragging. We are forgetting to enjoy ourselves in the present because we are too concerned we are missing out on the future and ironically sometimes we miss out on the future because we are held back by the past. WHAT IS THIS LUNACY?!
Or am I just rambling?
I have even booked my driving test for 11:11am because THAT’S a lucky time! Are you freaking kidding me?
Tell me when time has gotten the better of you? Or if you have some fantastical ideas and theory on time that simply seem downright absurd. Let’s talk.
Ten minutes up,
x x x
361 days to go