Out of the Embers

If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere


 

uni

“Well, well” I say so certain of myself I might as well be the queen Angelina Jolie in Maleficent. This year has basically picked up a whopping big sea-bass and slapped me right across the chops, quite frankly I’ve had difficulty catching my breath in the past couple of months. As an excitable 18 year old in England, you set your hopes and dreams as far as the horizon stretches, usually aiming to pass through university in order to make the road a little smoother along the way. What we forget in our dream state is that the inevitability of 3rd year lingers a mere two years away and is frankly enough to make you reconsider and look into the potential of hiding in a corner for the rest of the foreseeable future.

There is something wonderfully exciting about third year but also something horrifically daunting about every step you take towards the end. In fact, I’m pretty sure the general consensus of this year is to do what you please and in being given that freedom I’ve chosen to self combust on several occasions.  Truthfully, I’ve spent the last 17 years of my education groaning on that not a single teacher, tutor or tattle on-er-er? has allowed the students to take freedom in learning about what actually interests them, now they have, I don’t feel interested anymore. Is this the burden of education putting its dulling weight on everything that once excited me…or is it just me?

I’ve had my dealings with stress for a long time now so I think I have a good plan of how to battle through my anxiety with facing the end but this time it feels different. While still feeling somewhat in control I have this great baring on my back that keeps telling me it’s spiralling way beyond my grip. And it has made me very unwell.

We all set out with a good plan of action in mind and mine was to hopefully stay sane by the help of this blog, my one tool to remind myself I’m not completely screwed and that I can make sense of the hurricane that is my life. It’s been nearly 3 months since I’ve sat with my laptop and admitted to myself that I DO in fact have time to write. And my word, it helps. But that’s my release, this whole blog is my release – well that and breaking my bank account on lush products.

So I don’t know it all, in fact I have no idea but I know right now that an inconceivable amount of people, be they young or old, are stuck in the turmoil of the third and final year in education. Some days you’re going to wake up early and have the most productive day of your life, some days you’ll wake up a little sad about the looming end, some days you won’t even get out of bed. And all of it is okay and unbelievably, though you feel like you’re getting nowhere and you’re mountain of work seems to have tripled Everest in size, you are actually doing alright.

What’s important is that you realise just a few things:

1. This is the final stretch, that means it will be over soon but also that it will be over soon. It’s a positive and a negative but it’s okay.

2. That university all in all, was a good decision. You made it this far and we always knew the end would be the hardest part, don’t let it ruin the experience now.

3. Still make time to see friends, to play video games, to watch 9 hours of Netflix and just relax. Do not feel guilty or trap yourself away from having a good time.

4. University, college, education – at this point – is way more important than the job you have. (I’m going to do a whole separate post on this at some point) It may give you money but if it destroys your soul in the meantime and your boss is giving you nothing but grief you walk away and live like a pauper. It’s acceptable when you’re a student.

5. The most difficult, don’t hate your work or it will hate you. You came to university because believe it or not at one point you actually liked the subject you chose, so don’t run away from it now. Appreciate it. Be interested in projects because heaven forbid in ten years time you’re doing something completely different and you’ll spend all day longing to be back in class where it was easier and at least a bit interesting. Hopefully it will never be like that and you’ll excel in your core subject but shit happens.

I’m not quite sure how I’ll cope, I’m directing a full production, writing an entire thesis, coordinating a final year project and starting creative writing, along with a portfolio of evidence for every step I take around uni. Thinking about it I want to ram my head several times into the oven so I’ve just stopped. I’ve written out a list and decided I will handle every situation as it comes at me. And in 6 months time I’ll know what it was all about, I’ll put on my cap and gown and hopefully be very proud of this journey. I don’t know, if I’ve managed to make it this far, I’m pretty sure I can make it anywhere.

If you are having any trouble with your university life or maybe just a big task you’ve set yourself, what are your coping techniques?

Has it changed you in anyway or thrown you off track a little?

Either way it’s almost Christmas!

uni 2

Demi Nicole 

x x x

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Big First Steps

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Here I come third year…


 

Oh wow! I have had the most hectic and tremendous week and I must apologise for my lack of presence here recently. This first week of third year has been rather overwhelming to say the least.

So I told you about the big scary “sort out what you want to do with the rest of your life” talk with uni right? Well I came up with a few ideas, mainly I want to do an extremely prestigious directing course in Bristol that begins in the spring of 2016 and if not that, if I manage to pull off a First class degree with Huddersfield I will gain a scholarship for a masters researching whatever I please. That’s a stepping stone to the future I think I can manage at the moment and I’m quite proud of finding these little courses almost from nowhere. I now have an abundance of prospectus guides and more idea of what to do next than I did this time last week…so I feel productive. Well, they were productive if I’m good enough to achieve either of them.

My start to the first week back began with a strenuous and muscle murdering 3 hour practical session of physical theatre for our full cast production of Cinderella. Which, on Tuesday morning, left me in a ball on my bedroom floor, crying in excruciating pain. Maybe I need to get a little fitter if I’m going to survive this year! Then after that, I had the pleasure of a quick change act in a tiny toilet cubicle in order to get ready for my shift at work that began 10 minutes later. Sweaty and dishevelled, I dashed to my job to do a 6 hour shift then ran back to uni to pitch my Final Year Project.

Me and Joe (friend, uni partner, ex work buddy) pitched our ideas and it seemed to go down well, apart from the fact it was apparent we lost the commitment of people who had previously shown interest. No bad blood though. We did however gain two of my housemates as possible cast candidates and that’s left us pretty raring to go. However I’m still stuck with the idea of doing a two person piece so we can really focus down on our own areas of interest but working with more people brings more concepts and creativity and it’s almost always a positive way to work.

On the Tuesday I enjoyed a proper day off, I even ordered my monthly food shop (that’s as best as you can hope for as a student) online and just lazed about in bed for the day. It was glorious. And on Wednesday morning it felt like Christmas as the magical man from Tesco delivered me an abundance of yummy goodness. It really is the small things sometimes.

More practical sessions happened, lectures reminded me that losing the will to live was the easiest of games to lose and I worked a whole ton more. But good things really do come to those who wait. I’m directing Cinderella and with that I get to write the whole concept for our performance, I get to be a visual eye for the entirety of the piece and this excites me beyond anything. I get to shape a brilliant work of creativity and get to see it unfold before my eyes and it truly is a thrilling experience.

It makes me feel quite sad because when I think about it, this will be the last time I get to work with some people I’ve spent a whole 3 years with and with every end of each comes the melancholy feelings. But we still have now and we have the opportunity to go out with a bang!

Also I got a pay rise, started a writing class, saw the unveiling and reading of a beautiful poem that is painted on the university and I am pretty settled in a lot of my choices. After a summer of torment and horrendous attitudes, I am happy to have found calm for the first time in forever.

I can only hope these good vibes continue somewhat, at least to get me through the Christmas period. I mean I’m sat writing this in the freezing cold that is England in October, waiting to get a train I should have caught an hour and a half ago…and I’m still happy.

This is a change.

Demi Nicole

X x x

P.s In regards to the daily prompt, I don’t prepare, I just go with it and see what happens.

347 days to go

When is enough, enough?

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…Is enough, is enough, is enough?


When it comes to excess, I am reigning queen supreme of too much, I get too emotional, too greedy over unhealthy food, buy more than I need, drink more than I can take, work more than I need to, apologise more than I should have to. Hell, when I was looking for a photo for this post I went from typing “cake” into Google to typing an amended search of “lots of cake” as one whopping fudge cake just didn’t look right!

Now I’m a little strange because I either do things half arsed or completely Bree Van De Kamp/Hodge.

I’ve been a little distracted from writing on here for about a week now and I feel terrible but I actually started my final year of uni. DUN DUN DUUUUUUH! And I’ve become emotionally unstable since. It’s finally dawned on me that I need to make some life decisions, I need to think a little more outside of the box rather than leaning on the “I’ll figure it out when I get there” scenario. So I’ve been worrying and stressing like a neurosurgeon whose dropped half of his lunch onto someones brain. I’ve ordered several prospectus’ for MA courses starting in 2016, I’m signing up for every extra class that may get me merits onto these courses and I’m critically organising my last year to achieve the best attainable grade. I can hardily breath and I’ve only been back a day.

So I resolved my stress by buying a mega ton of cheesecake.

And for the past 24 hours I haven’t entirely been sure how to feel. For the first time I can sense genuine dread in my stomach, the sensation that some time soon I may have to make life altering decisions that will better my future and no matter how old I get I don’t think those things will ever get easier.

I’m beginning to question if all of this is too much? Why at 21 years old does it feel like I have to have all the answers to a life I am yet to live? It’s all a bit excessive and just possibly if I over do it, maybe I’ll forget to enjoy this last year. Maybe my life will pass before my eyes while I’m planning for a future I’m too busy to live.

As they say, moderation is key. So I’m leaving this short and rather open ended for now, I’m sure you’ll hear enough of my rants over the next year.

Demi Nicole 

x x x

352 days to go

 

Who am I?

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I don’t know…


You’re about to enter a room full of strangers, where you will have exactly four minutes to tell a story that would convey who you really are. What’s your story?

My story begins with kindness. Not in a world peace, all loving, living in the 60’s vibe sort of way but just simple unhinged kindness. Something it seems the world forgot about along time ago. My journey has been rough, it’s been testing and challenging at the best of times and I know by far I haven’t in the slightest had it the worst. But if I could say anything at all that could be valid enough to be called a story, it would be to treat people with compassion. To realise everyone is just a life, a feeble, fragile and very sensitive life no matter how tough the exterior seems.

Hard days will come and go but no one deserves to deal with someone else’s problem and I have found myself at the opposite end of other peoples attitudes far too many times for my own liking. It has broken me, the selfishness of far too many has left me unable to trust so easily, too weary of new people and reading into every word that anyone says to me. And that isn’t my fault. I used to blame myself but it isn’t my fault at all.

It’s a persons negligence to see that some things are ephemeral, that they aren’t worth hurting another over. It’s the lack of care that makes them forget about consequences. It’s for sakes sake. For the laugh, for the joy of making themselves feel better perhaps.

If I could be anything, it would be compassionate. It would be kind. It would be understanding. I try my very best to live my life by these morals. If I could teach anyone anything, it would be these three things.

Demi Nicole

x x x 

357 days to go

 

What are you talking about?

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Please explain yourself…


 

Where do I fall on the brevity/verbosity spectrum? In a few words, pretty far along. I have never known what to say, or how to say it for that matter and when it came to explaining anything I always chose the scenic route.

For a while now, I have realised this to be a massive vice of mine that I can’t seem to detach myself from. I stumble over my words in conversation, ramble in essays and stare blankly at my laptop screen hoping to remember the right words for what I intend to say. Sadly, I still have not found out what I’m trying to blurt out.

When it comes to writing essays, we usually get given word counts and you’re only allowed 10% either way or you’re guaranteed a fail for rambling. Most of the time, it’s a battle between too much or too little to talk about. And when I manage to jump the hurdle of writers block, I don’t stop, because I think I’m a bloody genius by that point. It’s like “man, this is a super intelligent quote, I shall speak for ten pages about how I not only understand it, but what it means to this particular essay, my life and every creature on Earth’s chance of survival in the event of a zombie apocalypse.” There would be no need for me to get a degree if I got paid for every time I got the feedback of “too much rambling”…BECAUSE I’D BE A BILLIONAIRE WHO NEVER NEEDED TO WORK, EVER.

I also find myself burdened with an apparent amount of social awkwardness that forces my mind to cave in on itself at the sound of a stranger making conversation with me. This isn’t because I don’t want to talk to people, it’s just the idea that I know myself and I know how damn right idiotic I sound at the best of times, so how the hell am I going to sound to this brand new person. And when I do speak, I end up saying whatever I didn’t intend to say or I trip up over all my words and usually say something the other person can conveniently make an innuendo out of. ARGH.

And even better, if I’m ever put in an intimidating situation, chances are I’ll cry and blubber my way through the whole English language until my listener has given up on humanity altogether.

I’m not particularly good with my words for someone who would quite enjoy being a writer, in fact I’ve struggled more times than I’ve prevailed in the art of language. But I’ve won over many a job interview, held my own in performance and “blagged” whole subjects I knew nothing about when questioned. So I’ve gotten by…just.

Oh and when/if I’ve had the chance, if anyone who has ever treat me wrongfully or hurt me  came across me again, I always somehow found the exact words to say to them. Or at least I did when talking to myself in the mirror and day-dreaming…

Am I going crazy?

Do you struggle with words? Have you ever had the perfect moment where you said the best thing you have ever come up with?

Demi Nicole

x x x

359 days to go.

10 Minutes You Say?

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Maybe I’m a Timelord?


Today I embark on my journey to become a committed writer and blogger for the first time since I started this blog, which seemed to be 7 centuries ago now I come to think of it. Today my task is to write about anything, anything at all but I can only type away for ten minutes, no more, no less. ALRIGHT.

Well what do I talk about, do I ramble about pointlessnesses or do I delve into the frivolous ideas of time that keep masquerading around my head as I write this very post. We could chat about my fear of running out of time (quite ironically what the main theme of this blog is), my wasted time in bed this morning (I did not wake until 2pm) or my lack of time to do anything I deem productive.

Time gives us a purpose and a sense of being yet it is something that doesn’t exist at all when we think about it. It is man made. Sure things work on a scale and take so long in which to be completed and I suppose that scale can be regarded as time but I read a while ago about the fact that as humans, we are the only species that keeps track of this conspicuous element. We give it such weight on our existence and let it rule over us. “Oh I’m going to be late, I’m too old, I can’t do that I don’t have time.”

What if none of us have time at all? What if we are just floating through a realm of nothingness and we actually get to decide what we do and when we do it? There is no curfew, no bed time, no deadline. If you want to do something, you just do rather than being constrained to this dictation that we are running out of the none existent nothingness. Maybe we should put down our clocks, our diaries and our alarms and just live. Forgetting if time runs away with us or if a day is dragging. We are forgetting to enjoy ourselves in the present because we are too concerned we are missing out on the future and ironically sometimes we miss out on the future because we are held back by the past. WHAT IS THIS LUNACY?!

Or am I just rambling?

I have even booked my driving test for 11:11am because THAT’S a lucky time! Are you freaking kidding me?

Tell me when time has gotten the better of you? Or if you have some fantastical ideas and theory on time that simply seem downright absurd. Let’s talk.

Ten minutes up,

Demi Nicole

x x x

361 days to go